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  • Hana Maria

The Bright Side of Suicide

There's something about being a troubled artist that has always come so naturally to me. As a child, my biggest hero was Van Gogh. My mindset became increasingly darker as I went through my teenage years (I had become very affected by depression from my early teens), until by the time I was nearing the end of them, I was listening exclusively to angry metal and goth music. By the time I was writing my own songs, the lyrics were all drugs, self-harm and killing sprees. In life as well, my finger has always been way too close to the self-destruct button, which is very evident in my choices in relationships, my impulsiveness, my desire to self-medicate and the general reckless activity that I have often engaged in on a frequent basis. It is also pretty evident in the fact that I'm in my late twenties and still in no way "settled".

A part of me craves that security and comfort that normal lives offer but another part just lashes out and wants to throw it all away or run away every single time I'm feeling bad, which I so often do.

I think about suicide a lot. That goes hand in hand with depression. When I'm feeling bad, not a day goes by where I don't plan the end out in my head, step by step. However, the flip side is this: I've come so close to throwing it all away so many times, that in many ways, whenever I have decisions to make, my natural mindset is, "what have I got to lose?" and in that way, I really feel like I live life bravely and to the full. Any time I want to end it all, I tell myself, "ok, but not yet. First hurry up and achieve everything you've set out to." I find life unbearably painful an unfair amount of the time, but I haven't yet finished everything I want to leave behind.

I hang out with a lot of likeminded people, and I see that same short fuse in many of my friends. The desire to just fuck it all up or run away and experience a different life. However, they happen to be the people who excite me and inspire me and drive me on to the next adventure. They're also the people who I am more likely to remember for having accomplished something extraordinary. I look at my heroes - PJ Harvey, Trent Reznor, Shirley Manson - and think about how being a bit broken gives that bit more opportunity for the light to shine through you.

Contentment is the enemy of creativity

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