Rate & Hate: The Ten Worst Songs of All Time (According to Two Very Angry Musicians)

Welcome back to another episode where Mishkin and I decided to unleash all our pent-up rage about the songs we've been forced to play at weddings, sessions, and cover gigs. If you didn't already think we're horrible people, here's more proof. We're calling this bonus episode "Rate & Hate" and it's the first in a series of things we hate. (It's a long series.)

It's actually astonishing how quickly we were able to compile this playlist. All the songs just stood out immediately, and the rage was still so present even though some of these songs came out years ago. This is for anyone who's ever been in a pub when that song comes on and everyone's loving it and you're like, "this is just horrific."

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Number 10: Nickelback - "Rockstar"

Everyone knows Nickelback are a joke so I probably don't need to dig too deep into this one. It's cheesy, the lyrics are brutal, and he's got that horrible cheesy American drawl - ("tell me what you want" - it's just so bad).

However... I have to admit I actually now have a weird love-hate relationship with this one because we actually reclaimed it on tour. There was a period of time where catering was scarce and we all lost weight - so Anna and I just started singing the lyric "we all stay skinny cos we just don't eat" to each other. This ended with a full rendition of the song during a car trip where Anna and I memorised all the lyrics. So even though it's a bad song, it holds a special place where my heart should be.

Number 9: Coldplay - "Adventure of a Lifetime"

Mishkin has more hate for this one than me, but I've got general hate of Coldplay, so I'm ready to hate any of their releases.

When this song came out, it was everywhere. People were like "Coldplay have made a comeback!" but they didn't sound like Coldplay anymore. They didn't sound like the sad, insipid sort of rubbish tunes they'd been busting out for years. No, they decided to reinvent themselves with this horrific, horrible - I don't even know if you'd call it a riff. It's the wettest dance music of all time. They were trying to be dancey and edgy and this riff just flops around the song for ages.

And then Chris Martin comes in: "Turn your magic on." He's even wetter than Dave Grohl. He's the wettest thing that ever was wet. He's a wet fish just flopping about trying to be cool.

If we were writing worst bands one to ten (watch this space), Coldplay would be number one. They'd be at the top. They're horrendous.

Number 8: Maroon 5 - "Moves Like Jagger"

This one's just music for babies. If you listen to this, you're a baby. And if you actually are a baby, think about your life choices.

Unfortunately I know this song very well - I've played it many times and it's one of those horrifically catchy ones where you can't get that little hook out of your head even though it's just so insanely bad. Jim was telling me that Maroon 5 have written a lot of terrible songs for other people too, and apparently Adam Levine's a bit of a dick as well, so you can hate them legitimately. They're not even good people.

Shame on you, Maroon 5. Even babies shouldn't be listening to this.

Number 7: Shaggy - "It Wasn't Me"

We were sat on the sofa with Dara talking about the worst songs and this was already on the list, and he was like "Shaggy 'It Wasn't Me' has gotta be one of the worst things that ever happened to the music industry." So it's not just us who automatically thinks of this song.

First of all, let's just step back and be like: so you're celebrating cheating? And it's a shit song. It's just brutal. It's so brutal and it's wet as well. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, he comes in with that voice and you're like WHY? It's like one of the Muppets is on the song.

The worst part? He's taken the line "it wasn't me" - something people say ALL THE TIME - and made people think of his song whenever they say it. That is the work of evil. Taking a line that people say so often and making people think of your song whenever they say it. You have to admire the evilness.

Number 6: James Blunt - "You're Beautiful"

"My life is brilliant." I always forget just how bad the voice is.

Let's analyse that intro. It's got these apologetic little piano notes and then the voice comes in and if Mish's dog Henry could sing, he would sound like that.

I read an article that said James Blunt wrote this with a woman and she thought the song was so shit she wasn't even gonna put her name to it. She didn't think it would be successful at all. Even the people who wrote it hate it.

But let's talk about the actual content. The lyrics are: "I have a plan" and then "I'll never be with you." "You're beautiful, it's true, but I'll never be with you." Where's the plan now? There's no plan. The verse completely denies the chorus. It's nonsensical and lazy.

And it's rapey as fuck. "I'm watching you, you're with another man". Everything about it is just wrong.

Number 5: Los Del Rio - "Macarena"

Does everyone need a break from the trauma? Just take a breath.

What I hate most about this song is that it separates the idiots on the dance floor. If you get up and do the Macarena and you're not with a four-year-old child, shame on you. It's the saddest thing ever.

I don't even know why this song is still around. It should have died in the nineties with all the other shit songs, but for some reason it comes on at really bad weddings or really bad parties and people think it's fun.

That song is your cue to leave the party. If the Macarena comes on, the party's tanked, you were never meant to be there, time to go.

Number 4: Rednex - "Cotton Eye Joe"

This should really be at number one, but there were just too many shit songs.

Can we just note here that the riff is two bars long and it just repeats and repeats? It's literally just looping a sample of the violins. What riff is two bars long? It's madness. It's the sound of madness.

The whole thing makes you feel like you've gone completely mental and the world is suddenly dancing around, linking arms and jumping around joyously to THIS. There's a film called Speak No Evil with James McAvoy where he makes the kid dance to Cotton Eye Joe and keeps making him do it again and again because he's out of time. That's the kind of torture this song represents. They know the evil of that song - that's why they put it in the film.

And it's completely culturally inappropriate. The band is called Rednex but with an X. It should have died a long time ago. Why do people keep partying to this?

It's an insult to country music, to America, to violin players, to dance music, to pop music, to people's sanity. They should go to prison. There should be a crime against writing songs that bad, and you should have to go to prison and serve time. And in the prison cell on repeat, you have to listen to the song that you made.

Number 3: Ed Sheeran - "Galway Girl"

First, let's talk about cultural appropriation. Ed, fuck off. You're not Irish. You might have an Irish name but it's bullshit.

There's a song called "Galway Girl" by Steve Earle, and that's the song everyone knows. It's evil to piggyback on such a well-known song and write a terrible one instead. (Similar to what Shaggy does, it takes a well-known phrase and commandeers it.) But it's so insidiously clever - you've basically brought together the pub masses of England and Ireland in one terrible song.

Ireland, you've let this song into your country. If you go to Irish bars, they play it on the TV, people seem to really love it. It's happening at weddings, it's happening at Christmas, everywhere.

And the chorus - "my pretty little Galway girl" - it's patronising and creepy. It's not really Irish, it's pop, but then it's got a terrible edgy rap-pop bit to it as well. All the worst elements of folk, rap, and pop should never have been fused together.

The problem is people really love it because it's incredibly catchy.

Also, Ed Sheeran is a twat. It's not even because of how he looks - he just exudes twatness. We hate him even more because he put himself in Game of Thrones. He just liked it, so he's like "I'm gonna be in Game of Thrones." Terribly acted, terrible, the scene is the most awkward thing ever.

He's not a villain, he's just a chump. Go away, Ed Sheeran.

Number 2 (Part 1): Bruno Mars - "Marry You"

We hate Bruno Mars so much that we've got two of his songs on here.

Let's start with "Marry You." "Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby, I think I wanna marry you."

"Who cares if we're trash, got a pocket full of cash."

I don't even feel the need to elaborate on this.

Number 2 (Part 2): Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars - "Billionaire"

Mishkin experienced this song for the first time today and thought "Marry You" was the worst Bruno Mars song, but there's another contender.

"I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad."

If South Park had written a song to rip on Bruno Mars, that's what they would've written.

The really awful reggae beat in the background, the catchiness - he can sing, but he's using his singing powers for brutality.

Conceptually it sucks. It's the emptiest, most shallow song ever. You've got Billie Eilish giving ten million dollars away to charity, getting up on stage with Mark Zuckerberg in the room and saying "why are you a billionaire? Surely give your money away." She's vegan, makes whole stadiums go vegan - she's an example of what should happen in the pop industry.

By contrast, "I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad" is the laziest, most unappealing thing I've ever heard.

What makes it worse is that Bruno Mars is insanely talented but he chooses to make music like this. He uses it for evil.

Number 1: John Legend - "All of Me"

Going deep into this song makes my heart race and my blood boil.

It's probably the song I've been most forced to play at weddings. It's the wettest song ever. I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it. It's got no depth, yet everyone has it as their fucking first dance at their wedding. The piano sounds awful - it sounds like the most MIDI thing ever. There's no substance or dynamic range. His voice sounds like it was created for Disney, it's just so horribly cheesy, but at least Disney chord progressions are more interesting. Now let's talk about the lyrics properly:

"My head's underwater but I'm breathing fine" - is just so stupid. It makes absolutely no sense and people are just in love with it. Just step back for one second - there's nothing to it. It's just him waffling on about nonsense.

"What would I do without your smart mouth?" It comes across as a little bit punchy.

"Drawing me in and you kicking me out" - makes no sense. This could be replaced with any words at all and have as much meaning.

"You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down" - maybe she doesn't want to be pinned down. Maybe she wants to be free of your fucking nonsense.

"How many times do I have to tell you, even when you're crying you're beautiful" - this is fucking sinister. If you read this out in a really sinister voice, this would sound like the most abusive, gaslighty thing you could say to someone. He doesn't make me feel safe.

"You're my downfall, you're my muse" - cheesy female trope.

"My worst distraction" - lazy.

"Even when I lose, I'm winning" - that is the laziest fucking lyric I've ever heard.

"head spinning, no kidding" "I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me" "I can't stop singing, it's ringing in my head" - really, really lazy rhymes. Just so terrible.

"you're my end and my beginning" "even when I lose I'm winning" "curves and all your edges" "perfect imperfections" "you're my downfall, you're my muse" I despise bad use of oxymorons. It's just so lazy.

"cards on the table, we're both showing hearts / risking it all, though it's hard" - laziest lyric and laziest rhyme ever and just sounds so wet.

It's like he's trying to gain control of this woman but he can't do it, so he's written this song where he's like "I lovingly accept you even though you're so flawed."

When I hear this as a wedding first dance, I think this couple will last maybe a year, maybe two, but they will get divorced eventually. It's not a healthy relationship. If your relationship starts with John Legend, good luck. It'll only lead to Cotton Eye Joe and James Blunt.

Our Shameful Confessions

To balance the scales slightly and show some vulnerability, we ended with the question: what's the most shameful song that you actually secretly really don't mind when it comes on?

Mine is Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling." I used to play it in covers bands when I got wasted and so I think I have euphoric recall. At least, that's my excuse. None of them can sing, the whole track sounds like it hasn't been quite quantized, it's pretty bad - but I love it anyway.

Mish's is Vengaboys "We Like to Party (The Venga Bus)." It's terrible, it's so bad, but there's a little mouse in her brain that runs around being really hyper and that song makes it thrive. Also, Vengaboys are really silly and they know they're silly. They're not trying to be anything else. They can actually sing, so it's not the worst thing ever. The rest of the list - they all pose as serious musicians, whereas Vengaboys just like to party.

So that's our Vom-ometer. We hope you enjoyed the hate. If you love these songs and they make you feel good, absolutely no shame - just don't come to our parties and don't play these songs in front of us because we will go into a fit of rage.

What are your most hated songs? What makes your blood boil when it comes on?