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  • Hana Maria

Smashing Tour Like a Rockstar - The Revised 2017 Edition

Birdeatsbaby are on tour in America again next week! Before we go, however, I felt that our tour rules needed a little updating...

10. "WWJD (What would Josh Do?)"

Sometimes, even rockstars can encounter situations that leave them at a point of uncertainty, but fear not - there's a simple solution to this problem - just ask yourself, what would Josh do? Josh Homme is the physical embodiment of cool and if he would do it, don't hesitate to do it yourself. This can be used as a general rule of life.

9. "Fuck 'em, don't marry 'em"

Although it may seem like an amazing idea to come back from a different country engaged to someone after having known them for three days, the chances are that it's not going to work out. Have fun, but remember, what goes on tour stays on tour.

8. "Gin is not always the answer"

Gin has its time and place but that time was 2016 and that place was Crazytown. This year it's all about Earl Grey tea and moderate drug taking.

7. "Pain is just weakness leaving your body"

2017's Mission is slightly more refined than last year - namely to smash life into a coma, and it shouldn't be undertaken lightly. Don't lose focus. Don't stop until you're dying. SMASH. SMASH. SMASH.

6. "Resolutions aren't just for New Year"

They can be made at any time, and in any state. Preferably at 2am when you're too drunk to string out a proper sentence and have to be reminded of them the next day via a video.

5. "A tour's not a tour without an obnoxious mascot"

If you're in a rock band filled with particularly annoying people, the logical thing to do is buy a backscratching groanstick from a remote service station in Texas and then take it with you all places, pretending it has a personality. Introducing Charlie the Backscratcher, who has a fetish for elbows. This guy has been around and on many adventures since well before I joined Birdeatsbaby but he's still alive and kicking. He's even got his own Facebook page:

4. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"

"When in Rome" is a justification for any type of behaviour, and can be applied to any and every situation. If something seems like it might be a bad idea, and therefore needs normalising, just use this phrase and it will all seem more acceptable.

3. "Like attracts like"

When you're on tour, you're usually between van and venue and don't often get a chance to do much sightseeing. You may think you won't have time to get a taste of the local flavour; however this is absolutely not true. The solution for this is to only go to places where everyone is absolutely fucking mental and up for a party.

2. "Leave a lasting impression"

This was stated in the last blog, but it's a very important one and therefore needs to be reasserted. It's imperative that you leave your mark wherever you go, so that the world has something to remember you by.

1. "Shit life, m8"

Finally, the most important rule of tour is to constantly remind everyone what a shit time you're having. If Facebook isn't crashing as a result of the amount of selfies you're uploading, you're doing something wrong. The numbing dullness and misery of this joyless career path that you've chosen needs to be well documented at all times.

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