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  • Hana Maria

10 Tips For Surviving A Fuckwit

You can spot a fuckwit in its natural environment by the overly tight tshirt, the uncontrollable gaze into any mirror available, or the mating call they emit to every woman who passes their way. Fuckwits are by definition predatory animals whose primary instinct is to break women, and it is easy to unknowingly fall victim to one.

You will not necessarily recognise a fuckwit immediately. They will often appear bland, boring and even unattractive on first impression, but their skill has been developed over a period of years and is not to be underestimated. They are often, but not always, more groomed than the average male, have the kind of rhetoric that has been developed by repeating sweet nothings collected from romantic comedies to themselves behind bathroom doors, and come equipped with a phone that has a remarkable lack of notifications.

Over the last ten years, I have had countless opportunities to engage in close study on the lifecycle of a fuckwit and its patterns of behaviour. Today I would like to share my discoveries with you on how to best manage a close encounter with a member of this strange, but sadly not so unusual, species.

1. Don’t Be Scared To Be Vulnerable.

Fuckwits measure their strength on their capacity to feel little emotion whilst being able to manipulate others. For me personally, vulnerability is the strongest tool I have against such behaviour. Being vulnerable allows me to process emotions quickly and easily and keep everything out in the open. Fuckwits rely on secrecy and communication breakdowns in order to function effectively, so the moment you bottle up your emotional needs, your defences against them have weakened.

2. Trust Your Instincts.

Fuckwits thrive on the power of deception. If you are a perfectly functional and not overly needy or controlling person, but suddenly, within the presence of a fuckwit, feel like you’re going crazy, the chances are that you have suffered the initial attack of a fuckwit. If something’s not right but you can’t figure out what, then the chances are that you’re not crazy but there is in fact something you don’t know about. The best solution for this is to retreat out of earshot of its mating call.

3. Stick With The Cold Hard Facts

Trying to understand the thought processes of a fuckwit may seem like a good way of working through a situation, but as someone who has studied their cognitive behaviour closely for the last ten years, my advice is that it’s not worth your time. There is no true rationality in the behaviour of a fuckwit and trying to work out the psychology of this species or the causes behind their actions, while fascinating, is not a task that will yield any productive results. Leave that job to the psychiatrists. Stop asking yourself how much they love you and understand that they are a fuckwit, so by definition they will never treat you right, regardless of any deeper empathy on your part.

4. Don’t Fight The Other Woman

When thrown into a hostile encounter with another woman through your dealings with a fuckwit, it is important to remember who the true enemy is. Remember, fuckwits thrive on the power of deception and a prime example of this is when women who have no rational need to turn on each other start fighting. Fuckwits are parasites who move from one habitat to the next, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Make sure that you make it your responsibility to keep this damage to a minimum.

5. Have Other Passions

When studying the life and habits of a fuckwit, it is very easy to get obsessive about it. During this time, it’s important to have other interests that are just as, if not more, important. Sketching, working out or learning a language can be just a few activities that will help distract from the stressful nature of this enterprise.

6. Keep A Strong Support Network

One of the fuckwit’s main methods of attack is to cut you off from your friends, family and other members of your social circle. If someone tries to convince you into thinking that they can be their whole world, you can spot them instantly as a fuckwit and it is best to stay clear. Remember, in the instance of a fuckwit attack, friends and family will be a crucial element of your recovery process.

7. Speak Out

In the instance of a fuckwit attack, it’s easy to want to retreat into a safe place and lick your wounds. However, a fuckwit attack is rarely an isolated incident, and if you want to prevent future attacks from happening, it’s important to warn others of the presence of any fuckwit, particularly as they excel at deception and attack under stealth. If you raise the call, even if it doesn’t help you, it will raise awareness and potentially help minimalise any future attacks.

8. Don’t Let It Change You

The venom of a fuckwit spreads contagion, and in the instance of too many attacks, you may start to turn into a fuckwit yourself. Don’t let this happen. Cleanse yourself and treat every new situation with fresh energy. While there are fuckwits crawling around every corner, in order to maintain the numbers of normal people, it is highly important to treat everyone like they’re normal until proven wrong.

9. Take No Shit

One of the key rules to surviving a fuckwit is that the moment you have done your research and know for sure that what you have encountered is in fact what you feared, leave. There are no proven tactics for defeating a fuckwit and the best you can do is to distance yourself from it and warn others to do the same. Sooner or later, albeit inevitably, a fuckwit will self-implode, but try and make sure that you’re not collateral.

10. Laugh About It

Laughter is the best known cure for a fuckwit attack, which can often be traumatic and leave you feeling like you walked into a dream and out of a nightmare. The best way to heal is to think of the experience as a ridiculous story that you might someday put into a song or a novel. Accordingly, much like a boggart, the power of a fuckwit has a negative correlation with the amount of times it is laughed at.

Fuckwits are dangerous creatures that are well to look out for, but don’t let a fuckwit attack stop you living your life. Remember, fuckwits are extremely common, albeit easily overlooked, and once discovered, best left to their own devices where they will self-implode naturally. Happy hunting.

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