The Ten Cardinal Rules For Smashing Tour Like a Rockstar
At the end of the month, I will embark on an American tour as part of our extended musical family Birdeatsbaby, for which I've started mentally preparing myself. Here is a list we've compiled of the dos and don'ts of life on tour.
10. "I'm on tour m8, wot ya gonna do?"
When on tour, it's important to remember that you're on tour. This means that normal life rules don't apply. You've heard the phrase "what goes on tour stays on tour" - this is because everything you do should be barely believable in a real life situation. Never apologise.
9. "Always wipe yourself off"
Strange things are bound to happen when you're on tour, and you may end up in situations that require wiping off. Be cool. Sometimes it's important to wear your shame for a little while, but ultimately, you just have to wipe yourself off and carry on with The Mission (#7).
8. "Replace, don't chase"
a) As a rockstar, people should be flocking to you and not the other way round. If you dibs someone (#3) and they're not interested, do not pursue it. There will be plenty more opportunities to dibs.
b) As a rockstar, you've essentially chosen disappointment as a career path. The way to deal with rejection is to pretend it never happened and you never wanted it in the first place.
7. "Never give up on The Mission"
It's important to remember that you became a rock star through hard work, and when you're on tour, that hard work must continue, preferably at an extreme hyperactive rate. The Mission may involve learning a new song, making new friends or simply getting shitfaced, but when embarking on The Mission, it's important to approach it with an intensity that terrifies everyone around you.
6. "The answer to every question is gin"
If there's a question, there's a 99.7% chance that gin is the answer, and the remaining 0.3% of situations will have gin as an integral part of the solution. Therefore, it's important that you always have gin in your bag and at least two spare bottles in the van at all times. In desperate circumstances, whiskey or rum will provide a viable (if inferior) alternative.
5. "Why take pictures of someone else when you can take them of yourself"
As a rockstar, obviously you are the most important thing in the room, and you need to remember this. It's other people's job to take the pictures, but if you do happen to get a camera out, remember, it's your face that's the priority. So even if there's a beautiful scenic shot that you want to capture, make sure your face is in the foreground.
4. "Don't be a Vibe Sniper"
It's ok not to feel 100% all of the time. However, as a rockstar, it's your job to bring the party. If you're feeling gutted, give yourself a stern talking to, wipe yourself off (#9) and continue with The Mission (#7). Selfies (#5) and gin (#6) can be useful in counteracting guttedness.
3. "What has been dibsed cannot be undibsed"
The act of dibsing (claiming someone as a sexual partner through saying "dibs") should not be taken lightly, as once you've said "dibs", that person becomes your problem. Therefore, you should avoid the common mistake of saying "dibs" when you've only seen someone from behind, or from far away. The only loophole for this is if you've dibsed under extreme intoxication, in which case Article 50 of the Dibs-Exit (henceforth known as Dibxit) can be invoked, and the dibs rendered null and void.
2. "Leave a lasting impression"
Life is like a special trip in Saville's Rolls Royce - glad to be chosen but not without its pain, and as a rockstar, it's important to remember that your fans are secretly desirous of their own exclusive Saville experience. "Just one drink" should always turn into the walk of shame at 4am. Anything anyone says should come back to haunt them in the form of recordings and future answerphone messages at unsociable hours. The more offensive nicknames you can find for people you barely know, the better. The bottom line is, if you don't leave everyone you came into contact with feeling like an empty husk, you're not fulfilling your duties as a rockstar.
1. "Why stop now when you can take it way too far"
This is the final and most important rule of tour. It is vital to remember at all times that nothing is sacred. If you think it's a bad idea, chances are that you shouldn't think about it too much and just do it regardless of the obvious chaos it may cause. If it seems like it's not beneficial to you, and therefore a bad idea, the situation must be reassessed and then rearranged to be made to be beneficial, therefore it's a good idea. Lines and limits are for idiots. The only lines you should be concerned with are racked with a Holland and Barrett card and delivered via a bloodstained £10 note found in your bassist's pocket. When you start thinking you might be taking it too far, that's your conscience trying to snipe your vibe (#4). This can be rectified with large quantities of gin (#6). Remember, it's not a real tour until someone dies.